13 Reasons Why Not

1. God has purpose for you that you haven't discovered yet. As you were born not as an accident, but according to His purpose. Going against His purpose is never a good idea.

2. It will make your parents really sad, and it won't make them proud either. 

3. This is just a phase that you have to pass. If after this you don't want to live this kind of life, the good news is, it will only last for 47 days. After that, you can move on to something new. 

4. If not, at least this can be a learning experience for you. Or putting a big mirror so you can see the worst of you, putting you to the rock bottom which can be your start to the next chapter of life.

5. There are still places that you haven't discovered yet, people you have not met, experiences that you haven't tasted. And it might get better, you know. 

6. Most of the most inspirational people in life have tasted failures at some point in their lives, and that's totally okay. In fact, those things are the reasons why they became who they are right now. 

7. Your rate of surviving so far is 100%, even though some days are better than the others. You overcame such conditions and somehow, you're still here. 

8. Even when you don't feel like it, you are blessed enough to have the life that you have right now.
9. There are still so many people that underestimated you, misjudged you, and for once, you can prove them wrong

10. Finishing well gives more satisfactory result than starting well

11. There are more problems in this world than this, something that you can face one by one, after this. There's more in life than just this.

12. You wanted this for such a long time. Remember even when you don't like it, you won't like the other majors too

13. Because life is a gift, after all.

A Cup of Ginger

This October has been a hard month for me. I have been a train-wreck of emotions. I keep saying things I don't mean. Binge-eating. Crying when I'm alone. Yelling at anyone who disturbs me. Knowing that I shouldn't stress out make me more stressed out. And realizing that what I do is 'Christian' thing frustrates me even more. I avoid almost everyone, staying hermit for weeks. And I can say, sleep-deprived does not help this situation at all.

This week I feel unappreciated for every single effort I made and it made the list longer. I realize I'm being ungrateful but I really feel like I'm walking alone. Especially with my family. I have no energy to explain to them what I am doing. They don't understand. What they understand is ... what I do is costly. And it does. It really does. 

Every Thursday when I have to go to Jakarta - Tangerang by bus, usually I don't sleep so that I don't arrive late to meet my lecturer. That was one of those days. I haven't slept and by a simple rebuke, I cried in front of my dad. I cried out loud. With voices. While pasting double tape on my artwork. While rushing to go to campus and I was already late. If you know the relationship between us you'd be surprised. I rarely show my emotions in front of him. So maybe I was that tired...... And maybe it was not because of things he did but what I thought he didn't do. 

Yesterday as I took honey, I asked him, "jahenya gaada?". Because I usually sleep by 4-5 am everyday, I always drink or eat any kind of thing that will help me to stay fit and stay awake. It could be honey, ginger, warm milk, tea, coffee, Pocari, Tolak Angin, vitamin, any kind of thing. Sometimes I mix ginger powder with coffee or honey in replacement of Tolak Angin. He didn't reply any word. 

This midnight, as I took any more honey, I realized there were two jars of ginger powder. I know it's the simplest thing, but I realize how ungrateful I've been. I know we have different love language, and he shows his support not by putting it into words or spending more time with me, but through his act of service. I know he tries to work hard to pay for me to print any more artwork to show to my lecturer. I know he stops using printer when I took the printer upstairs to print my papers. I know that when there was a fire in the neighborhood the first thing he did was to make sure the kids were safe and well-eaten. I know that even when he disconnected the phone because he was too pissed off when I called him to say my laptop is broken, he texted me again few minutes later to ask what he could do. He knows because even though it's not grand act of love, it is visible in the tiniest detail of my being. 

This time,  it took me two jars of ginger powder at two am to realize that. 


I came back home at 5 am. After spending all night long at a junk food restaurant near the gas station. I put the wrong pickup address so I had to walk under the street light. It was dark and cold and I was tired. After one hour of blank paper, my mind couldn't work properly (maybe because of sugar rush, but it could be because of lack of sleep. I am sleep deprived for the past month). I decided to go home. Even though that day was the deadline.

As the ojek driver took me home, I started to see the dawn. How the color shifting from black to blue to the combination of blue and yellow. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Something that so serene and peaceful. But in my limitations as human, I was frustrated. I couldn't stop thinking these thoughts.

You, the Great Designer
The maker of Heaven and earth
The designer of its system
The writer of this grand story
From the tiniest detail of a microba
and chemical compounds
To the highest mountains
The painter of every single sunrise
The One who knows how deep the ocean is
The One who created the cycle of life
The designer of it all
Is it true that I was created in Your being?
I looked at my empty hands
Then why I couldn't create? 

As I scrolled to another artist's feed
Why I couldn't create? 
As I stared on my blank paper
Why I couldn't create? 
As I saw my crooked lines of drawing
Why I couldn't create?
As I spend any other night of not sleeping
Why I couldn't create?

I know it seems ungrateful
But that was my 5am of desperate thought.
I went home and I decided to sleep

But humans,
The way humans perceive things
The way we work, the way we sleep
The way we see beauty
It is already a proof of how we are created in His likeness
Even the ability to think to create is actually a grace
And I only need to walk forward from this grace upon grace
Not desperately trying to look at my empty hands but His
Not desperately trying to achieve the perfection
That only can be found in Him
I only need to refer to Him
as designer seeks reference to the greater designer
I only need to look to the Greatest designer of it all

This time,
I will try create again
I kinda have to...

Long gone and moved on

When's the day you start again
And when the hell does you'll get over it begin
I'm looking hard in the mirror
But I don't fit my skin
It's too much to take
It's too hard to break me
From the cell I'm in

Oh from this moment on
I'm changing the way I feel yeah
From this moment on
It's time to get a real

Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
Cause you're long gone
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on

No I can't keep thinking that you're coming back
Cause I got no business knowing where you're at
And its gonna be hard yeah
Cause I have to wanna heal yeah
And its gonna be hard yeah
The way I feel that I have to get real

- The Script

You once said I am your rearview mirror.
The reason why it was smaller than the windshield
Is that because the future is much more important than the past
While looking at me, you'll stuck in the past
And keep crashing

I am your past
But not your future

I'm writing this to remind myself, not you.

A Pilgrim's Progress

Lord I'm tired, so tired of traveling
This straight and narrow
is so much harder than I thought
On this road, I've met both doubt and pain
I've heard their voices say
“Boy, you've given all you've got"

BUT there is a crowd of witnesses,
The ones who've run this race
Even louder than my fears they're crying
“Boy, oh lift your face. . .!"

“… Keep running, keep running
Don't look back, dont you give up now
Dont turn around
You've got to find a way somehow
Keep reaching, keep fightin
The pain cannot compare to the reward
That will be yours
That waits in store
for those who just keep running”

On this path, this fight for holiness
I’ve struggled and i've bled
Through these dangers toils and snares.
And i've got foes,
their sorry voices call
saying “Boy you're bound to fall,
with that heavy cross you bear"

I remember One who died to win this race
He took the cross, he crushed the grave
Oh I can hear my Saviour say…
“… Keep running …”

Don’t turn aside
No compromise
Just lift your eyes
To the glory that’s coming

If you’re like me
And you feel you can’t go on
Think you’ll never see the dawn
And you’re just about to break
Well don’t stop now
Know that every sacrifice
It’ll all be worth the price
When you finally see His face

Just keep running
Don’t look back, don’t you give up now
Don’t turn aside, got to find a way
Dig deeper, run harder
The pain cannot compare to the reward that will be yours
Waits in store, so take My hand
Because you can’t do this alone
Until you hear that sound
Until your race is complete
Find a way to just
Go running
Keep going
Keep praying
Keep fasting
Keep singing
Keep dreaming
Keep praying
He’s coming
He’s waiting
Arms open
So keep running.

- A Pilgrim's Progress (Keep Running), Matt Papa

I had a dream

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

I was a little girl alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down on me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep
I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree
I had a dream
Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full and I lived it well
There's many tales I've lived to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing
- Priscilla Ahn, Dream

Used to share the same dream. Look at us now.

Let me see Your face

Your weakness has you hiding in shame
The knowledge that you're not as strong as you thought you were
You're so afraid of what lies ahead
You're thinking how will you run over the hills with me

Well I'm not leaving you now
I'm still here

So let me see your face
Let me just hear your voice
Let me see the one I want so near

I see the longing under the fear
I see it in your heart to finish the race with Me
I know if you just say yes again
Together we can make the longing reality

Cause I'm looking ahead, I can already see you leaning
I'm looking ahead down the road, I can already see you trusting
I'm looking ahead, I can already see you running with me
I'm looking ahead, I can already see you leaning

- Let see your face, Jon Thurlow