Just enough.


It's been a while since the last time I wrote on this blog, let alone writing about God. Maybe it's because I've stopped forcing myself to write on daily basis, like journals or anything so it became harder for words to be poured out. I also stopped reading books, and been skimming for a year or two, which made it even harder to write anything. But to be specific, the main reason why I rarely write about God these days is because I've been accusing myself as a hypocrite: for not living by the Word that I know and I believe. Not only me, but someone actually pointed it to me just how hypocritical I have always been.  

It's not entirely wrong, though. Lately everything became routine, words became empty, relationships grew cold, anxiety kicked in, condemnation took place. All because I put myself and selfishness in the place where I should put Him first. It became hard to really trust that He is up to something good, that He knows what's best when I barely see anything. It became hard to really acknowledge the fact that He knows me, hears me, and here with me. It became hard for me to realize that He has been enough, all this time.

But lately, something interesting happened. And as always, I want to remember it. So I write this. And I'm writing this on my blog that if someone actually stumbled upon this, they might be reminded that His grace is really sufficient for His children.

Last week, my laptop charger broke. And it wasn't the first time. If you know me pretty well, then you must know just how destroyer I can be. But this time, it happened at the same time when my phone's port for charging also broke. I spent most of my time in front of my laptop, both for work and leisure. This way, I couldn't be reached, and I couldn't do my job as social-media designer. To make it worse, I had a deadline by Tuesday.

For a while, I used my dad's computer for Line and Facebook to reply messages. But still, it has no design software. But it was okay. It was enough. The other thing I found out that mom has exactly the same phone like me, so for a while, I can use her phone to charge my phone every 24 hour, and to reply Whatsapp. Once again, it was enough to get by.

Now the other problem is the laptop charger. The last time I broke mine was 3 years ago, my sister bought a new one for me and it was expensive enough. I have money to spare this time, so I won't ask my family to buy it for me. But then I found out that the current price is 50% more expensive than how much it was back then. It might be not expensive for some people, but for me, a person without full-time job and income, it was expensive enough. But thank God, with a help from my cousin and my mom, I brought the money (cash) to the nearest iBox on the day of the deadline. Jo, who wanted to find place to hangout, decided to come along with me.

The nearest iBox is in the mall near where I live. But they don't have the charger that suits my laptop. I moved to Infinite but their price is 150k more expensive than the one in iBox. So I left Jo doing her tasks in Sumoboo and I moved to the second iBox, located in the mall across the street. Andddddddd they don't have it also. I was getting annoyed and frustrated, especially because, the night before I called few iBox stores and they didn't answer. So I couldn't check whether they have my type of charger or not. So I asked them to call another iBox nearby. They finally found *one* charger left in the iBox +- 6 km from this one. And they said they'll be closing in 2-3 hours. It was 3 pm-ish - just 1 hour left before the rush hour, so I headed to this place using Busway. Just keep in mind that my phone was still not working so I left Jo without telling her that I moved.

When I arrived at this third store, the clerks said that they didn't receive the phone. I was completely frustrated at that time, thinking that it was completely wasting my time. My voice was shaky and I don't know but at that time I really wanted to cry out of frustration. One of the clerks tried to reach his friend who might be the one who received the call. Thank God, it was the one who received the call, and he saved this charger in the store room so no one would buy it except me,

Then I gave them all of the money that I brought and when they counted it, turns out .... it wasn't enough. I looked at them in disbelief, counted it, and realized that I miscounted the money at home. I need another 100k. At that time, I only had empty wallet and a phone that wasn't working. I couldn't call anyone to send me money. I was too tired to go back home and ask for another 100k. And if I could, I simply didn't want to lend any more money from my parents.

I went to ATM and I could only take 50k, then my ATM reached its limit. I put out everything from my bag and wallet and only found 20k. And few coins. What should I do now? I still need another 30k. Then I found 13 RM from my trip to Malaysia last month and in my super desperate attempt, I asked the security guard where I could find the nearest money changer. He said there was one in another building next to this place, on the 26th floor but he wasn't sure if it's still open or not. It was 4 pm already.

I rushed to that building and reached the 26th floor. I followed the signage to go left but couldn't find the money changer. I turned back, and it was actually in front of the elevator! And there they were, the owner and his worker, was locking the key of the money changer. I was bit screaming and seeing my desperate face, he finally let me in. I gave him it all and after a while, he gave me the money in Rupiah. I rushed back to the elevator, checked it, and it was only 26k (it was supposed to be 3.5 k per RM, but maybe they know I was desperate so he only made it 2k per RM).  But I didn't care, I still needed it anyway. Then....when I opened my wallet, there it was, few coins and 2k that made it exactly 30k. My immediate response was laughing. Like, is this a joke from God or something. But I was relieved.  If I took another elevator and late, even for a few minutes, they'd completely be closed and I wouldn't be able to exchange my money. If I only had 10 RM, for example, then the money wouldn't still be enough. It was the only chance and everything that I had............. and it was just enough.

I finally bought that charger. On my way back, I was walking to the nearest Busway stop when I heard the street musician singing a song. Unbelievably, it was worship song (trust me, it is quite rare to find someone sings a worship song on the street, especially when we are minority here). The street musician stood there with a guitar, and his wife stood beside him - carrying their child and collecting money. He sang,

How great ...... is Our God. Sing with me how great............ is Our God. All will see how great, how great....... is Our God. 

Yes, He is great. I know it was super silly experience, but it was the snap that I need. It was a reminder that His grace is always enough and that He is always present.  As I continued walking to the busway stop, as the lights of the sunset reflected beautifully, as the song echoing from a far, I gave thanks.

You are great. 
And You have always been enough for me. 

Broken Ladders


You never asked me to be king
Build my tower up to the sky
So why do I try
You never asked me to be rich
Buy the things that gold can buy
So why do I try
All You ever wanted was my heart
My heart, my simple heart
To You that's all that really matters
Why do I feel I have to reach
Believe I have to rise
When You never said I had to climb
These broken ladders


You never asked me to be complete
By myself, find all I need
So why do I try?
Oh, You never asked me to stand alone
Face the struggles on my own
So why do I try?
When all You ever wanted was my heart
My heart, my simple heart
To You that's all that really matters
Why do I feel I have to reach
Believe I have to rise
When You never said I had to climb
These broken ladders
'Cause all they do is take
My eyes off of You
Make me forget the truth

- Broken Ladders, Selah

People leave, memories don't



Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

Your Little One



There's no need to be afraid
Daddy's here and it's okay
My love will take the fear away
My little one

Give to Me the doubts and fears
Pour out your heart I'll catch the tears
I've always been the God who hears
My little one

You've held it in a long, long time
So let it out, it's okay to cry
My heart and arms are open wide
My little one

I'll hold you close and tight to Me
I'll help you through the unbelief
I said that I would never leave
My little one


-
Jon Thurlow - My Little One

Seasons



I can see the promise
I can see the future
You’re the God of seasons
I’m just in the winter

If all I know of harvest
Is that it’s worth my patience
Then if You’re not done working
God I’m not done waiting

You can see my promise
Even in the winter
Cause You’re the God of greatness
Even in a manger

For all I know of seasons
Is that You take Your time
You could have saved us in a second
Instead You sent a child

And when I finally see my tree
Still I believe there’s a season to come

- Seasons, Hillsong Worship

13 Reasons Why Not


1. God has purpose for you that you haven't discovered yet. As you were born not as an accident, but according to His purpose. Going against His purpose is never a good idea.

2. It will make your parents really sad, and it won't make them proud either. 

3. This is just a phase that you have to pass. If after this you don't want to live this kind of life, the good news is, it will only last for 47 days. After that, you can move on to something new. 

4. If not, at least this can be a learning experience for you. Or putting a big mirror so you can see the worst of you, putting you to the rock bottom which can be your start to the next chapter of life.

5. There are still places that you haven't discovered yet, people you have not met, experiences that you haven't tasted. And it might get better, you know. 

6. Most of the most inspirational people in life have tasted failures at some point in their lives, and that's totally okay. In fact, those things are the reasons why they became who they are right now. 

7. Your rate of surviving so far is 100%, even though some days are better than the others. You overcame such conditions and somehow, you're still here. 

8. Even when you don't feel like it, you are blessed enough to have the life that you have right now.
9. There are still so many people that underestimated you, misjudged you, and for once, you can prove them wrong

10. Finishing well gives more satisfactory result than starting well

11. There are more problems in this world than this, something that you can face one by one, after this. There's more in life than just this.

12. You wanted this for such a long time. Remember even when you don't like it, you won't like the other majors too

13. Because life is a gift, after all.

A Cup of Ginger


This October has been a hard month for me. I have been a train-wreck of emotions. I keep saying things I don't mean. Binge-eating. Crying when I'm alone. Yelling at anyone who disturbs me. Knowing that I shouldn't stress out make me more stressed out. And realizing that what I do is 'Christian' thing frustrates me even more. I avoid almost everyone, staying hermit for weeks. And I can say, sleep-deprived does not help this situation at all.

This week I feel unappreciated for every single effort I made and it made the list longer. I realize I'm being ungrateful but I really feel like I'm walking alone. Especially with my family. I have no energy to explain to them what I am doing. They don't understand. What they understand is ... what I do is costly. And it does. It really does. 

Every Thursday when I have to go to Jakarta - Tangerang by bus, usually I don't sleep so that I don't arrive late to meet my lecturer. That was one of those days. I haven't slept and by a simple rebuke, I cried in front of my dad. I cried out loud. With voices. While pasting double tape on my artwork. While rushing to go to campus and I was already late. If you know the relationship between us you'd be surprised. I rarely show my emotions in front of him. So maybe I was that tired...... And maybe it was not because of things he did but what I thought he didn't do. 

Yesterday as I took honey, I asked him, "jahenya gaada?". Because I usually sleep by 4-5 am everyday, I always drink or eat any kind of thing that will help me to stay fit and stay awake. It could be honey, ginger, warm milk, tea, coffee, Pocari, Tolak Angin, vitamin, any kind of thing. Sometimes I mix ginger powder with coffee or honey in replacement of Tolak Angin. He didn't reply any word. 

This midnight, as I took any more honey, I realized there were two jars of ginger powder. I know it's the simplest thing, but I realize how ungrateful I've been. I know we have different love language, and he shows his support not by putting it into words or spending more time with me, but through his act of service. I know he tries to work hard to pay for me to print any more artwork to show to my lecturer. I know he stops using printer when I took the printer upstairs to print my papers. I know that when there was a fire in the neighborhood the first thing he did was to make sure the kids were safe and well-eaten. I know that even when he disconnected the phone because he was too pissed off when I called him to say my laptop is broken, he texted me again few minutes later to ask what he could do. He knows because even though it's not grand act of love, it is visible in the tiniest detail of my being. 

This time,  it took me two jars of ginger powder at two am to realize that.