Just enough.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote on this blog, let alone writing about God. Maybe it's because I've stopped forcing myself to write on daily basis, like journals or anything so it became harder for words to be poured out. I also stopped reading books, and been skimming for a year or two, which made it even harder to write anything. But to be specific, the main reason why I rarely write about God these days is because I've been accusing myself as a hypocrite: for not living by the Word that I know and I believe. Not only me, but someone actually pointed it to me just how hypocritical I have always been.  

It's not entirely wrong, though. Lately everything became routine, words became empty, relationships grew cold, anxiety kicked in, condemnation took place. All because I put myself and selfishness in the place where I should put Him first. It became hard to really trust that He is up to something good, that He knows what's best when I barely see anything. It became hard to really acknowledge the fact that He knows me, hears me, and here with me. It became hard for me to realize that He has been enough, all this time.

But lately, something interesting happened. And as always, I want to remember it. So I write this. And I'm writing this on my blog that if someone actually stumbled upon this, they might be reminded that His grace is really sufficient for His children.

Last week, my laptop charger broke. And it wasn't the first time. If you know me pretty well, then you must know just how destroyer I can be. But this time, it happened at the same time when my phone's port for charging also broke. I spent most of my time in front of my laptop, both for work and leisure. This way, I couldn't be reached, and I couldn't do my job as social-media designer. To make it worse, I had a deadline by Tuesday.

For a while, I used my dad's computer for Line and Facebook to reply messages. But still, it has no design software. But it was okay. It was enough. The other thing I found out that mom has exactly the same phone like me, so for a while, I can use her phone to charge my phone every 24 hour, and to reply Whatsapp. Once again, it was enough to get by.

Now the other problem is the laptop charger. The last time I broke mine was 3 years ago, my sister bought a new one for me and it was expensive enough. I have money to spare this time, so I won't ask my family to buy it for me. But then I found out that the current price is 50% more expensive than how much it was back then. It might be not expensive for some people, but for me, a person without full-time job and income, it was expensive enough. But thank God, with a help from my cousin and my mom, I brought the money (cash) to the nearest iBox on the day of the deadline. Jo, who wanted to find place to hangout, decided to come along with me.

The nearest iBox is in the mall near where I live. But they don't have the charger that suits my laptop. I moved to Infinite but their price is 150k more expensive than the one in iBox. So I left Jo doing her tasks in Sumoboo and I moved to the second iBox, located in the mall across the street. Andddddddd they don't have it also. I was getting annoyed and frustrated, especially because, the night before I called few iBox stores and they didn't answer. So I couldn't check whether they have my type of charger or not. So I asked them to call another iBox nearby. They finally found *one* charger left in the iBox +- 6 km from this one. And they said they'll be closing in 2-3 hours. It was 3 pm-ish - just 1 hour left before the rush hour, so I headed to this place using Busway. Just keep in mind that my phone was still not working so I left Jo without telling her that I moved.

When I arrived at this third store, the clerks said that they didn't receive the phone. I was completely frustrated at that time, thinking that it was completely wasting my time. My voice was shaky and I don't know but at that time I really wanted to cry out of frustration. One of the clerks tried to reach his friend who might be the one who received the call. Thank God, it was the one who received the call, and he saved this charger in the store room so no one would buy it except me,

Then I gave them all of the money that I brought and when they counted it, turns out .... it wasn't enough. I looked at them in disbelief, counted it, and realized that I miscounted the money at home. I need another 100k. At that time, I only had empty wallet and a phone that wasn't working. I couldn't call anyone to send me money. I was too tired to go back home and ask for another 100k. And if I could, I simply didn't want to lend any more money from my parents.

I went to ATM and I could only take 50k, then my ATM reached its limit. I put out everything from my bag and wallet and only found 20k. And few coins. What should I do now? I still need another 30k. Then I found 13 RM from my trip to Malaysia last month and in my super desperate attempt, I asked the security guard where I could find the nearest money changer. He said there was one in another building next to this place, on the 26th floor but he wasn't sure if it's still open or not. It was 4 pm already.

I rushed to that building and reached the 26th floor. I followed the signage to go left but couldn't find the money changer. I turned back, and it was actually in front of the elevator! And there they were, the owner and his worker, was locking the key of the money changer. I was bit screaming and seeing my desperate face, he finally let me in. I gave him it all and after a while, he gave me the money in Rupiah. I rushed back to the elevator, checked it, and it was only 26k (it was supposed to be 3.5 k per RM, but maybe they know I was desperate so he only made it 2k per RM).  But I didn't care, I still needed it anyway. Then....when I opened my wallet, there it was, few coins and 2k that made it exactly 30k. My immediate response was laughing. Like, is this a joke from God or something. But I was relieved.  If I took another elevator and late, even for a few minutes, they'd completely be closed and I wouldn't be able to exchange my money. If I only had 10 RM, for example, then the money wouldn't still be enough. It was the only chance and everything that I had............. and it was just enough.

I finally bought that charger. On my way back, I was walking to the nearest Busway stop when I heard the street musician singing a song. Unbelievably, it was worship song (trust me, it is quite rare to find someone sings a worship song on the street, especially when we are minority here). The street musician stood there with a guitar, and his wife stood beside him - carrying their child and collecting money. He sang,

How great ...... is Our God. Sing with me how great............ is Our God. All will see how great, how great....... is Our God. 

Yes, He is great. I know it was super silly experience, but it was the snap that I need. It was a reminder that His grace is always enough and that He is always present.  As I continued walking to the busway stop, as the lights of the sunset reflected beautifully, as the song echoing from a far, I gave thanks.

You are great. 
And You have always been enough for me. 

Broken Ladders

You never asked me to be king
Build my tower up to the sky
So why do I try
You never asked me to be rich
Buy the things that gold can buy
So why do I try
All You ever wanted was my heart
My heart, my simple heart
To You that's all that really matters
Why do I feel I have to reach
Believe I have to rise
When You never said I had to climb
These broken ladders

You never asked me to be complete
By myself, find all I need
So why do I try?
Oh, You never asked me to stand alone
Face the struggles on my own
So why do I try?
When all You ever wanted was my heart
My heart, my simple heart
To You that's all that really matters
Why do I feel I have to reach
Believe I have to rise
When You never said I had to climb
These broken ladders
'Cause all they do is take
My eyes off of You
Make me forget the truth

- Broken Ladders, Selah

It still hurts

People leave, memories don't

Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

A thin, thin thread

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

- Sad, Maroon 5

Your Little One

There's no need to be afraid
Daddy's here and it's okay
My love will take the fear away
My little one

Give to Me the doubts and fears
Pour out your heart I'll catch the tears
I've always been the God who hears
My little one

You've held it in a long, long time
So let it out, it's okay to cry
My heart and arms are open wide
My little one

I'll hold you close and tight to Me
I'll help you through the unbelief
I said that I would never leave
My little one

Jon Thurlow - My Little One