The Narrow Road

12:41:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Again.
I already took two pills. I hugged my teddy.
Still, I couldn't sleep... though my head was heavy
I moved to the floor of my parents' bedroom
My mind wandered back and forth
To the day before that, when I sat silently
On the floor of my prayer room
When I weeped, again, for the heart that He gave
The last time I did that, was earlier this year
When I went home everyday on that week
before the Open Presentation and got down on my knees
Why, Lord, You know me. 
Why, this heart....this calling...
I can't do that without You
You know me, how shallow I can be
Is this the right thing to do
Will I love You enough to pick up my cross 
deny myself, and leave everything...
The process is painful, 
What would they say, will they agree...
And here, I am, again, questioning,
Though I've walked with You this far
Though with scraped knees and tired feet
I endured because You hold my hand still
Has it been a journey,  
Still, I'm questioning the road You've prepared for me
I know that I will walk with You still
I know that You have greater things ahead
But still, my heart whispered,
Lord, will I survive, 
.
Half asleep, my story started to unfold
as You reminded me of things forgotten
Kid, do you remember that night where you couldn't sleep, 
on the middle of that little village in the northeastern China, 
do you remember that you were just nine back then? 
all those three weeks spent on your first journey far from home?
the blackout, the half-raw food, the stranger, lost in translation, losing stuffs, 
Did you survive? You did....
Or do you remember that eleven hours drive on that bus, 
though your uncle was asleep and someone tried to steal his stuff?
Did that scare you? Did that change your heart to wander? It didn't...
Do you remember your solitary three weeks in foreign country,
as you took that flight alone when you were eleven? 
Or when you spent all day at the immigration office in foreign country
 when your passport is lost and you have to be deported back home? 
Did I leave you then? Did it stop you from going again next year? 
Do you remember that kid whose house you stayed at on your vacation,
on that little town near the rice fields, and she wouldn't
speak to you and she often left you at her house alone?
Do you remember that I've provided you with her friendly neighbor,
Do you know that I will provide you still? 
Do you remember how hard that walk on that muddy beach, 
when you tried to pray to the shoreline where the pirates used to be
Though it was hard for you to walked on, did it stop you? It didn't..
Or, do you remember any other night on the way from one city to another
where all your body was aching because you tried too much 
taking water from the well from the old maiden from that village?
Do you realize all this time You've walked with Me... 
that every milestone has prepared you to be the woman I have in mind
that there will be another process, for sure, but...
if I didn't leave you then, why would I leave you now?
. 
I couldn't take it anymore, I was exhausted
And I started sleeping safe and sound, without dreaming....
.
Today my mind went back to the day at the connecting room,
to sixteen years ago, where me and my cousins would sit
on the green-pillowed sofa and sang with my auntie
She was an elementary school teacher, and she would taught us
the song from the Sunday School and I would be so happy to learn
There was a song that put me on the confusion,
"Di dalam dunia, ada dua jalan, lebar dan sempit, mana kau pilih...."
Why the road was narrow, my-four-year-old-self tried to ask my aunt
She drew me a picture and her answered now all blurred
And years after that I've spent without realizing that I'm headed
to this narrow road that is chosen by the few
I know nothing but the fact that You told me to follow You
Hard as it is, anxious as my heart could be, blind as I may be
well, You've walked with me then, why You wouldn't walk with me now?
.
"why do you always take the hard road?"
"why do you assume i see two roads?"

This Road

8:45:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far I must go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road

A million miles away from anything familliar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

When I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road

From here I can not see why You'd choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why

You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'Til I see, 'Til I know why this road

- Ginny Owens

To you, to the man I love

12:50:00 AM Valencia Ng 1 Comments

I pray for you and I remember telling story about you last week
Do you remember when I was sick and you accompanied me to the hospital?
Or letting me to sleep on your passenger's seat
Or letting me to have your pillow and I gave you mine?
When you held my hands or when I gave you a kiss on cheek on your birthday?
I wrote this because I know for sure that in front of you I won't say a thing
Not at all. I don't know why I always remain speechless
Yesterday as I just fought my good fight
And you were home, sleeping
As I too often leave you alone
I've been thinking about the things that I may do in the future
Will you accept it? How can I make you understand that?
To be really honest, I don't think about you that often
When I'm too busy doing my stuffs
When I'm too busy trying to make you proud
When I'm too busy trying to impress you
But somehow, today, I got this urge to write this
I feel like I'm doing all these things alone
But not at once I have the bravery to ask you to join me
From the deepest part of my heart I really wish,
really want, really hope, that you may know Him
I just don't know how.
But I pray for you still
I'm sorry if most of the time I'm not there for you
For the times I disrespect
For all the things you kept inside you
I'm not too blind to see it
I'm sorry for the things I do not say
How I'm not able to express my feelings toward you
But I love you, though
I'm sorry if I grew up too fast
That this your little girl has finally spread her wings
I'm aware that now you're growing old
I'm sorry if you gave everything for me
I noticed that when I saw your tired face everytime I go home
Words simply won't suffice
But this, is what I can do for now...
I love you.

Joy

1:21:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Hear me, oh God of my fathers
I am lost and bleeding, my strength has run out
I need You now, I need You now

Hear me, oh Alpha Omega
Rest upon me, for I am depleted
Without You, without You

Hear my heart, for I have nothing to offer You
Let me rest in You alone
Let me dance with freedom that only comes from You
May I find my joy again

Speak to me, for I am done speaking
Would You carry me, for I cannot walk
I need You now, I need You now

Would You show me grace, even when I don't deserve it
Find You in this place, would shelter Your servant
For awhile, for awhile

Hear my heart, for I have nothing to offer You
Let me rest in You alone
Let me dance with freedom that only comes from You
May I find my joy again

May I find my joy again
I have found my joy... again

Travel with me?

10:41:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I have traveled far now on life’s journey; and, having climbed one of the few remaining hills between earth and Heaven, I stand awhile on this vantage-ground, and look back across the country through which the Lord has led me.

A well-defined pathway is visible, but it appears devious and wandering; sometimes skirting a mountain-top, whence one could catch glimpses of “the land that is very far off”; and, further on, descending into a valley shadowed by clouds and darkness. At one time, it runs along amidst steep places, and overhanging rocks; at another time, it winds across an open plain, brilliant with the sunshine of goodness and mercy, and fanned by breezes which are wafted from the fields of Heaven.
There are flowers of joy and love growing all along the way, even in the dark places; and “trees which the Lord has planted,” give shade and shelter from too great heat.

I can see two pilgrims treading this highway of life together, hand in hand—heart linked to heart. True, they have had rivers to ford, and mountains to cross, and fierce enemies to fight, and many dangers to go through; but their Guide was watchful, their Deliverer unfailing, and of them it might truly be said, “In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.”

Mostly, they went on their way singing; and for one of them, at least, there was no joy greater than to tell others of the grace and glory of the blessed King to whose land He was hastening. And when he thus spoke, the power of the Lord was seen, and the angels rejoiced over repenting sinners.
But, at last, they came to a place on the road where two ways met; and here, amidst the terrors of a storm such as they had never before encountered, they parted company—the one being caught up to the invisible glory—the other, battered and bruised by the awful tempest, henceforth toiling along the road—alone.

But the “goodness and mercy” which, for so many years, had followed the two travelers, did not leave the solitary one; rather did the tenderness of the Lord “lead on softly,” and choose green pastures for the tired feet, and still waters for the solace and refreshment of His trembling child. He gave, moreover, into her hands a solemn charge—to help fellow-pilgrims along the road, filling her life with blessed interest, and healing her own deep sorrow by giving her power to relieve and comfort others.

- Susannah Spurgeon

Remember Me

8:53:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

"Remember Me,
In a Bible cracked and faded by the years.
Remember Me
In a sanctuary filled with silent prayer

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Remember Me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember Me
When you pray and tears of joy fall from your eyes.

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me

Remember Me
When the children leave their Sunday school with smiles
Remember Me
When they're old enough to teach,
Old enough to preach
Old enough to leave.

And age to age
And heart to heart
Bound by grace and peace
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me."

- Mark Schultz

Him.

2:27:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Lord, barely I can wait
But You tell me to wait anyway
Simply because You have the perfect plan
Right now I can't see, but I believe You're already there
And years from now I will look back and it will all make sense
I'd probably laugh at this post anyway.
I already stop searching. I stop insisting. I stop wondering. But...
Tonight he crossed my mind out of nowhere
I'm praying for him, now, wherever he is now, whatever he does
Whoever he is.
I'm curious, do I already know him?
Is he someone that is close to me right now?
Or someone I just met on the crossroads and barely talk?
I'm thankful that right now You prepare him
That in each step I believe now he's growing to be more like You
Mold him to whatever You want him to be
I hope he loves You more than he can ever love me
I'm thankful that now, you also put me in this process
So when the time is right, both of us are ready for each other
Lord, when the time is right, lead him as he will lead others
Make us to always, always have that heart to serve
How he loves his children enough one day to realize
that he'll bear Your image as father, but by grace,
he will also realize that the perfect father can only be found in You
Together we will build Your kingdom in our family
Together we will tell our children Your goodness as we tuck them to sleep
Together we will grow old and see our children grow up as they preach their lives
Together we will, hand in hand, pray together and pray each other
Seeking Your presence before we start each day
I barely can wait, but You tell me to wait anyway
And I will wait.
Still I will serve. Still I will worship. Still I will pray.
Thank you that You're still protecting him
I hope he has nice sleep tonight.

Home.

3:43:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Hey, dreamer,
Where are you? Where have you been?
Let's build a home, shall we?
Don't you think it's time?
I think it's been too long since you wandered around
Will you return from your journey?
Come and sit, and while you tell your story
Of all the places you have been and all the people you have met
I guess it's time for you to come back home, come to me
Can't you see, can you imagine how it will be like?
You can tell me what do you want,
I will take notes and sketch and all

Is it going to be a house in the middle of the field?
Surrounded by green grass or a space to plant my own garden?
What kind of flowers do you want?
Will we paint the stars on the top of our bedroom?
With all of the constellations that you like
So you can see them at night when you lay your head on the bed
As we talk at 3 am about your fear or your dream
We will wake up by the morning light from the window
Well I wish our house will have huge windows everywhere
And the sun will come without being shy to each and every corner
Will we paint the walls with the paint with weirdest names?
Tangy tangerines, Moody magenta, and argue whether it's turquoise or aquamarine?
Or will we leave it white, and white walls everywhere?
I will put the small stool so you can watch your TV
I don't watch it much, you can take the remote all day
and of course, I will let you come to my attic
The one with the lemon-colored wall and rustic wooden floor
You will find the racks full of books from the floor to top
And my favorite swing chair
And an easel with the canvas and paintings
I will let you come to my secret world
I will tell you about the velveteen rabbit, or the giving tree.
At night I will take one book and bring it to our children and read it
Before we turn off the lights and kiss them goodnight
And when they grow up they can read it by themselves
I can borrow it to them if they want or as their 10th birthday present
And of course they can play at the tree house if they want to
Or we can build a blanket forth
As we tell them the stories of how we met
We kinda disagree about that one
They will giggle as they decide which version they will believe
On afternoons they will run and run and make noises in the hallways
Our hallways will be filled with dozens of photo frames
Of all the journey we went through
Of all the souvenirs we bought home
The scrabbled crayons kind of drawing will be put on our refrigerator
Near of it is the table where you always take your morning coffee
And I almost forgot, probably a piano so you can play for me a song or two?
I don't ask much, really, you can give any kind of detail I will add it to it
I don't need a huge house, as long as it's home,
as long as I'm with you, it will suffice

You see, my dreamer, I promise you
I won't stop you from wandering
I won't impede your exploration
You can make a house with thousand secret chambers if you want
We still can always go to all of those breathtaking places
I know that whenever you're beside me I'm already home
There's no way we will settle down, we will always grow
Always serve, always seek, always be the better version of ourselves
You can fly to wherever you want but, you see,
in here your roots will always grow deep
People will always try to find their way back home
So here,
here I am
here we are

Build with me?

Happily?

11:30:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I saw him from the distance, from such a crowd
He has buggy eyes, for sure
Maybe that's all I can remember from that first meeting
I gave him a huge hug and a kiss on his cheek
He seemed like he just cried, his mouth pouted,
Those big eyes that will make you fall in love, immediately
I tried to find any, any resemblance in his face
Does he look like his father? Or his mother?
I've tried my best to hold back my feelings
From any of the flashback that would follow
.
I remember when we were so much younger
We played in your living room
We used to pretend those couch were islands
And the floor was an ocean full of sharks
We would jump and jump 'til we were exhausted
Or do you remember when you were so angry with me
And you didn't want us to take a nap in the same room?
Or when you came to my house and I would leave you
as you wandered around in that old music shop?
I remember us laying on my parents' bed
My hands were playing with the pink curtains
We imagined what if one day we met a prince
I asked you if you ever believe in one
The prince with the white horse and a shining armor!
But he didn't wear shining armor, he wore suit and tie
I told you about the guy that I met whom I fell in love with
I told you that he was like prince charming to me
How gentleman he was, but you didn't buy it
We were always dreaming about the happy ending
How will it be? How he's going to be like?
You told me all of the guys who were after you
You see, since the very beginning you were the popular one
And I, the hopeless romantic one,  who always hopelessly in love
with all the ones who were out of my reach
Later in life, we don't say much
We don't meet much, as we grow up
And even if we grow in same place, I never ask you again
.
I saw him again and his buggy eyes
His tiny hands wrapped around my fingers
You put him on your lap and gave him his favorite toy
"do you still remember the princes charming we imagined?"
"will you tell him those fairytales?"
I tried my best not to ask, and I looked at him again
maybe happy endings are really different than what we thought, after all
maybe life happened and sometimes all you can do is not to wish,
but to be grateful in each and every step
maybe the happily ever after is overrated,
though every inch of my heart wishes for your happiness
and maybe, just maybe,
we grew up.

12:12:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust You always,
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
and You will never leave me to face my perils alone."
- Thomas Merton

Closer than you know

8:49:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I tempered the storm
Though your faith was small
I prayed while you slept
And the night waged war
We stood in the fire
And we walked on sea
And we drank of the wine
That was made of Me

Don't turn your eyes from Me
For My love won't be undone
Don't hide your face from Me
For My light has surely come
Surely come surely come

I carried that cross
And I felt your pain
I took up your crown
And I wore your shame
And death was a fire
And its teeth were grim
But I left it behind
Along with all your sin

Lift up your eyes and see
Heaven is closer than you know
Lift up your voice and sing
Know that My love won't let you go
And I won't forsake you

And My light has surely come
Surely come surely come
And I'm closer than you know
And I'm closer than you know

Lord I hear You I know You're there
Closer now than my skin and bones could dare
Breathing deep within me
You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare
Brighter now than the sun could ever dare
Breathing all around me
God I know You're with me here

For I'm Yours and You are mine
And my soul knows well
You are here

You are here
And my soul will praise You
And my soul will praise Your Name
Singing Holy is Your Name
Jesus
Jesus

If You want me to :)

2:58:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

"I will be with you"

8:52:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

If there’s anything I learn about Christianity is that it’s not pain-free. Nah-ah. Especially when you’ve walked through this journey for a while. Christianity didn’t consist of the self-help books with the so-called-titles like : “7 ways to be forever happy” or “The keys of happiness”. Christianity is so much more than that. There were times when I asked to myself, God why did this happen to me. I didn’t blame Him, though, but sometimes I got lost in the sea of self-pity and no matter how many people were there beside me, either best friends, family, sisters or brothers in Christ ….. no matter how they said that it was going to be okay, I always felt like I was alone …… I felt lonely. And too many people left me that made me never believe that someone would actually stay.

But, you see, the first thing I learn is the fact God didn’t say it will be easy. Nope. We live in the broken world. But one thing that He promised : you don’t have to go all alone. In fact, all this time you’ve never walked alone.

In Psalm 23 David didn’t say that he didn’t have enemies, he said God prepares the table before him even in the front of his enemies. David said that even though he walks in the darkest valley, he will fear no evil. He didn’t worry. So it doesn’t matter whether it’s a field of grass of if it’s a dark valley, what matters is the fact that God’s with you.

And I read few times that when God promised something to His people, He also promised that He will be with them, when God sent people to do something, He also promised that He will be with them :

• To Isaac : That night the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham.” - Genesis 26:24
• To Moses : And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.” - Exodus 3:12
• To Joshua : Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9
• To Gideon : The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive. - Judges 15:16

And it’s the same God, the same Almighty God who created the universe, who led the Israel out of the Egypt, the same God who has been faithful to Joseph, Esther, Nehemiah, and all. The same God who has been faithful throughout the 20 years of UPH, is the same God who will hold your hand today and walk with you. As I’ve said it before, I didn’t say that it would be easy but God promised that even though in the deep waters, through the fire, or through the rivers, He will be with you (Isaiah 43). When I submitted the form to be the head honestly I was afraid. I couldn’t see the whole stairs, only just the first step. Ci Jess sent this to me :

‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’
- Isaiah 41:9-10

“But Lord, I’m afraid” 
“Lord, I can’t see!” 
“Lord, it’s hard.”
“Lord, what if…”
“Hey, I will be with you"

As last week in the plywood night I’ve talked to Bu Ban just before the session about God’s faithfulness how I look back and see that even though I never deserve it, God is faithful. Even though I tried to ran, He still remains faithful. On the commissioning prayer she read the chapter from the Joshua 1 to Chelsea and I. And now I’m telling you guys, I do believe that it’s not coincidence that God has brought you here. It’s amazing how few months ago, some of you are completely strangers to me. But God has brought us here to be a family, even though sometimes you can see that there are people who are more annoying than the other, of maybe even I, as a leader do something that will disappoint you….. well, God has brought us here, to learn together, to walk together, to grow together.

I gotta say that it wasn’t easy, and if I went through the past few months, it is only by the grace. The road in front of us won’t get any easier, but He promises that He will be with us. I believe that when God already called you into something He will equip and He will never leave. I believe that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Now, begin to see that you don’t walk through this alone. You have us. You have me. You have God. Don’t quit only for temporary reasons. Don’t be disappointed just because the situation is not the way you expected it. Don’t be disappointed just because of what someone did or did not do to you. Remember why you were here at the first place. Remember what it’s all about. Ask God to enlarge the capacity, to process you, to mold you, shape you, into what He has planned for you. Don’t settle for the shallowness, go deeper, be deeper, sink deeper.

Don’t you want after our period is finish you don’t stay the same way you’ve entered but grow into better person, whose life is changed? Don’t settle only for the “happy” parts, but find joy even if you have to suffer, praise even when you don’t feel like it.

Stay strong and we’re definitely going to finish this race together!

(What I've shared to my kids 1-2 weeks ago)

Perempuan Sang Penulis

3:54:00 AM Valencia Ng 7 Comments

It feels weird writing to you again.

2:11:00 AM Valencia Ng 2 Comments

Hello you, stranger.

Why did I stop writing?

2:00:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Last night, I had a dream about funeral.
I woke up around two, I turned off the AC and tried to push away that image from my mind and went back to sleep.

Lately the death topic came to me quite often. Two days ago I was wondering, if one day I die, what will happen to the memories I've been keeping all my life? What will happen to all the pictures I have, to those dozens of my journal, my 'map hidup', my grateful jar, even the photo frame with the ones that became strangers to me once more. Just how long will they keep it before all those things become painful enough for them to see, or when will they donate my stuffs, or throw it, or even burn it? Hahaha I don't see this in a sense of melancholy, I'm just simply curious.

And sometimes I wonder, when a dreamer like me, dies, what will happen to the dreams?

The dreams I've kept inside of me, all these ideas, all of these random thoughts, the thought of changing the world, the hope to make the world a better place

Will they die with me?
Will they bury me with all of those things?

How long will it take for my story to be completely forgotten?

I realized a long time ago to leave a legacy using my words, for words will remain and it will speak what's inside my head, even though maybe I can't pour it all out, you may see a glimpse how I see this world, how I perceive this life, and how these ideas will remain even though I'm gone.

And because of that, now, I start writing again.....

Before that, earlier tonight I just spoke with my friends how different I really am than who I really was last year. I guess I've missed this weird side of me, my own sense of wonder, and such things. How do I know? By reading all those pieces I wrote last year, whether it's just a tweet, a blog post, or even a journal entry. I realized how different my life was. How different things were......

I began to realize how I don't write anymore.

I don't write on my journals anymore. Or even a blog post. Or even make a descent essay for the task my lecturer has given me. How I barely read right now. (and it's probably affecting me).

I simply stopped writing. I stopped splattering my words around.

Is it actually a big deal? Yes.... and no. Yes, because writing has been the only thing I know other than  drawing since my kindergarten days. No, because I don't think I'm a good writer. Yes, because if I don't write I can go mad and all these words will be jumbled up in my head. No, because even I can't write properly and my words will always be messily arranged and still jumbled on the page.

And if I ever trace back my life, I think the one of the reasons why I started writing again was because of him. I remember I bought a journal again the very first day he left. I think what they say is actually true, missing someone can actually be a great thing for a writer. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote. Dozens of blog post, hundreds of day writing (with the day 1 - day 200ish), months that turned into years, and a lot of journals 'til I stopped counting, and stopped waiting, and then...... stopped writing.

Because, that was probably the last thing I needed, to dedicate anything for anyone who will never dedicate anything to me.

But the reason was actually really wrong, and I can actually prove it wrong...... How stupid it is to stop writing simply because of that? I know I will always write because that's just how I really am....

I'm a storyteller, and I will always be.

I will always pour out my life on the page, express my feelings using the combination of 26 letters, and fill this book of life with memories.

I'm going to invent the story and then write it, 'til I'm forever gone and all that remain......


are

words.

It was never random.

1:22:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I knocked the door. Knock, knock, then silently I came to the room. There she was, a middle age woman, with short hair. She smiled patiently and she asked me to sit down. Then I sat, nervously.

It was my interview day. 

I didn't know what to expect, then she took the papers - my essay, form, and all the papers which contained everything she needed to know about me. She spoke in Bahasa, even though you can tell she's not Indonesian,

"Tell me, how's your journey until now you're here?"

Journey. Ah, that word.

At first, my words stumbled as I tried to speak. I took the deep breath, I remember I couldn't stop talking 'til the next 20 minutes, trying my best to sum up my life in one simple story.

"It started with a dream", I said. Though I don't remember it vividly and year after year, the memories started to blur. I think I was four or five when I actually had that dream, when I was dreaming that I woke up in my mommy's house when she was a child, and when I walked out the door, I saw a huge grass field and I saw Someone came to me, a man. I don't remember if it was a voice or if it was just a realization that, .... that Man...... is, A Savior. That was my first encounter to ever know I needed a Savior. My mom was surprised because as long she could remember, she never taught me about it.

When I was five, my big sister joined an event called Youthcamp, I never knew until one day I found the book about the event, basically just the information, the rundown, the daily devotion, and all. It didn't interest me enough unless except a simple comic (though now I forget the story anyway) - but all I concerned about was ...... I knew that how my campus life would be like one day.

I was eight when I simply decided which university and which major I would love to attend. Such a huge decision for a kid. I didn't even have strong excuses back then, maybe I just followed some older people's opinions. I don't remember. Maybe I chose graphic design as simple as I didn't want to be an artist. Maybe I chose UPH simply because my sister attended there.

And of course, as life happened and people did grow up. Slowly I was no longer the church-girl. I was being a hypocrite. I learned the curse words. I left the sunday school when I was ten and joined the adult sunday service. I refused to join the youth ministry, simply because I thought it was so exclusive. And as people change, I've learned that dreams do change, sometimes. I remember when I refused when mom asked me to study abroad. But few years after that, when I had a heartbreak, I remember that study overseas was the only I have ever wanted. Even though I didn't have strong enough reasons. I was so stubborn about that goal. I attended so many education expos (the reason why I still have so many emails from agencies now. Meh) and I had my little research. Mum even tried to open a new bank account for her and Mama to save the money for me to study abroad.

But.
God.
Has.
Another.
Plan.

From a funny coincidence I got the application form to UPH. One simple thing led to another, from Mum took me and all the conversations I had with my sister, then to the night I found out I got the scholarship. Stubborn me, I tried to apply to another uni, and I got accepted there. I was happy at first. I thought I could use UPH as back-up plan as I planned to try the scholarship for another uni in different countries. But somehow, I've never managed to do it. And mum told me to accept UPH instead and she said that even if I had the scholarship to study abroad, my parents couldn't afford the living cost. I.... was... so .... disappointed. And mad. I spent my holiday after the national exam feeling so redundant and I constantly put the blame to myself for not being brave enough to try the scholarship or even be determined enough.

I felt that emptiness for months until brand new start seemed so good to me. I needed a new page, for whatever's sake! I tried to be excited enough with all the changes that happened to my life, with the new house, new room, new environment, new school, new friends and all. "Hey, maybe this is the time when my life will truly begin!". I planned to decorate my room, to paint my new room and buy all the cute stuffs for my room. I planned to be Somebody, maybe it's time to do all those Y.O.L.O things I've always wanted to do.

But it was on Friday, one day before the closing ceremony of the festival, when I heard about Students Fellowship. It was when a video was being played, a vintage theme video, and then a random verse came out : "You did not choose me, but I chose you".

Ouch.

Ouch, ouch. Ouch. I gasped. My mind went back and forth to my holiday how I felt redundant, empty, regret after my decision to choose UPH. "God, is that You speaking? Is it true that You already chose me? Is it true that it was never a coincidence for me to be here?". That day, I went to the booth (to be honest my mentor didn't allow me to go far from him but I sneaked out for a little while) and I registered myself for the youthcamp. The same event my sister attended 13 years before me. That, same, event.

It's funny to ever look back and see how God works in your life. I remember that 1,5 months later until I came to the registration booth again to check my name (and funny to see my name now on the registration book now). I don't understand why I still attended it anyway even when I almost didn't know anyone. I didn't even have a room-mate (and now they're close friends of mine). It's funny to think how I tried to run away from God because I didn't want my life to be 'that' holy and the very next year I'm the head. It's funny how last year, my head didn't even allow to be youthcamp committee, and now here I am, becoming the steering committee. Funny enough?

I didn't remember how my interview ended. But I never ever forget that one question. To ever look back and realize that it was never random. It was never random when I found the event book fifteen years ago. It was never random to plan and now here I am, with the same major (that currently I am struggling with) and with the same university I chose when I was eight. It was never random that Ethan was born and I couldn't study overseas. It was never random to even had a heartbreak and tried to go my own way to realize that God has better plan than I could ever have imagined of. It was never random when my mentor said that I could never run from God's calling. It was never random when my senior made joke how I would 'carry the cross' at this campus. It was never random how God put people in my life, and all the experiences that I went through to make me the person who I am today.

I know that some people didn't expect me to be a leader. I'm pretty sure if they could recommend anyone I don't think my name would pop up into their heads. Because I know myself enough to know how selfish, careless, and unqualified I really am. I always ran from God, being Jonah when it came to His calling but I've made a commitment post-youthcamp last year to never run. I always gave up yet I've made a promise to my kids that I will never give up on them. I know how I don't deserve this. And even if I was being arrogant enough, I never thought that I could actually be trusted with this position. Letting God to shape me has been a life-changing experience. These past few months I've gone further than I could ever think of. I've stumbled. I've failed and I've failed big time and I've let down those people around me. I've made wrong decisions. Sometimes I even sacrifice those around me even though I know it's completely wrong. I've learned even though sometimes the learning process is quite painful. I know it's not because God intended it to be that way..... but He has been faithful, despite how unfaithful I could be. Yes, I'm not proud of this, but I've messed up quite a lot.

But...... to ever get down on my knees and pray. To be trusted to lead His people. To actually get the privilege to serve Him, even when I know I don't deserve this. To raise my hand without caring how the world sees me and praise Him anyway no matter how I feel. To hold the vision and even share the vision. To have a family and a home to go back to ........... To actually experience something called campus ministry like this.......

I am grateful.

If I ever look back and remember all those times I felt my life was useless, I've learned that God actually has a purpose in my life. If I ever look back and remember how many times I ever felt like I didn't have friends, now everytime I laugh out loud I'm grateful that I have a family. If I ever read again my blog post and journal about how indecisive I was to pick the university, now it all makes sense.

And that's something to hold on to. To know that God's in charge. No matter how I feel. No matter how I try to run. It's not that easy, actually. Sometimes it's hard to see from where I'm standing. Sometimes it's really hard that I can't do anything but cry. Sometimes I even wonder why I did this and why did I even bother from the very start. Sometimes I even wonder if anything I do will actually give impact. Well, I can laugh now to see why I was so worried and that's something to remember now if I can't figure out something. To understand that this whole journey is never actually about me, and never because of me, is something to remember when I start to do anything by my own strength. To remember that it takes a long process to grow whenever I start to get frustrated if I don't see any results. To realize that how small I put God in my boxes and how big He really is, how sometimes I just think something only for one year my period, when God is a God of eternal and He has better things that last a lifetime. To ever look back and realize what God has done....... Not me, but Him.

Now... for you, for whoever who's reading this, do you ever believe that God has a plan for you? That it was never random for you to ever read this. Do you realize that it's all by His grace?

I challenge you to look back and realize.....


..... it was never random :)

The Tree and The Bird

5:37:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

She never realized that she was the tree
Until one day he came by to her life
She was just a little tree back then,
and he wasn't the prettiest bird of all.
And unlike any other bird, he didn't like singing.
He didn't like chirping, either.
He was so quiet, even she didn't realize that after all,
after all the years he was quietly sitting on her branches
'Til one day he accidentally started humming
She was so amazed, she never thought that
the bird that appeared to be dull, colorless,
could be that interesting
They started talking, the tree and the bird,
She never forgets the way his hazel eyes glimmered
When he talked about the world he saw
He talked about the great mountains, the valleys,
The oceans, the shoreline, his favorite place
She couldn't imagine how the ocean looked like
When everything that surrounded her was green,
how could she ever imagine how blue seemed like?
He told her about the big word out there,
the city streets, the beautiful night lights,
Just like the stars, she said?
Even better, he promised.
She closed her eyes, she tried to believe everything he said
She imagined that one day she would see all those places
He opened her eyes to this world she never knew
But she did not have wings, all she had was roots
She tried to flap her branches as she saw he flapped his wings.
But instead of flying, her leaves fell off to the ground
She realized they were different, but she loved him with all of her heart
She embraced him with her leaves, tried to protect him from the Mighty Sun
She gave him the shelter, the place where he could stay
Every single day the bird would sit on her branches
Every single day he would tell a new story
'Til she actually forgot that he was a bird,
and the wings that actually made him one,
She forgot...... until one day he disappeared
And she waited, and waited........ for the bird to come back
Will he sit on other tree's branches?
Will he tell the story to any other tree?
She waited..... and the days turned to weeks
And weeks turned to months
And months turned to years
And years turned to the day she stopped counting
To any other bird that came by after him,
all of them would always leave
But he, he was the first one to leave, he actually left mark
Though she stopped waiting, she never stopped remembering.
But without realizing it, she started to grow
Taller, stronger,
Better,
She started to see this world the way he always sees it
Now she understood what the fuss was all about
The color of the skies, the wide ocean, the shoreline,
the city lights that probably where he is right now
Sometimes she's still gazing from a far, wondering where he is,
or what kind of story he would tell if he ever sat with her again,
But she's the tree,
She has always been the tree.
And he's the bird
He has wings.
And that's probably why she'd never see him again.
.
1826.

.

2:51:00 AM Valencia Ng 1 Comments

Hmm

12:04:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

The moon and the sun will never be
One;
So you walk aimlessly every afternoon
asking yourself “what if?” and
“What happened?”
You always kick the rocks in front of you, thinking that you could send it somewhere–
Near a tree, near a bench, or near a river,
but not on the doomed place you are now.
You ask yourself why you keep
on writing about the person you love,
without your hands getting numb,
or without your ribs getting broken.
You wonder what will happen to the
words never said, to the wishes
never heard, and to the desires
never expressed.
You keep on walking at the
road all alone while everybody’s hand
is occupied.
Then you remember that the Sun and
The Moon never meet;
they keep on haunting and following
each other, embracing and nearly
kissing each other’s skin but they really never collided with each other–
no union involved.
Because some people are not meant
to stay,
Some of them just visit to give
us a blanket of darkness; thus,
illuminating our brightness.
Some of them just visit to get from
us a fraction of lightness so that they
can shine too.
Some of them just visit to teach
us that brightness and darkness always collide, and the aftermath of the collision will either bring constellation
Made of someone’s smiles,
or dark holes made by someone’s tears.
But you must remember
that the people we want are not the people we need;
and that the people who hurt us will lead us to the people who will love us.
Everything will be in place at the right time,
the planets will soon fall into a straight line–
and you–your heartaches, your mistakes, your imperfections and all the tears you cried will fall perfectly into the right place
for the person who will make you believe that love is worth it,
and that sunday evenings with that person are perfect versions of paradise.
The sun and the moon will never be one;
but remember that eclipses
happen for those who
believe.
—󾭍margemargo, “Why I Love Eclipses”  (via wordsnquotes)
(Source: wnq-writers.com, via wordsnquotes)

10:58:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

Here I am, again

3:45:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

Just be held

9:40:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

.

7:33:00 AM Valencia Ng 2 Comments

Lord, I'm really glad you're here.

I hope you feel the same when you see all my fear,

and how I fail.

I fall sometimes.

It's hard to walk in sinking sand.

I miss the rock, and find I've nowhere else to stand.

I start to cry.
Lord, please help me.

Raise my hands, so you can lift me up.

Hold me close, hold me tighter.




I have found a place where I can hide;

it's safe inside
 ...Your arms of love.

Like a child who's held throughout a storm;

I'm safe and warm

in your arms of love.



Storms may come and storms may go.

I wonder just how many storms it takes

until I finally know

You're here always.

Even when my skies are far from grey.

I can stay, Lord, teach me to stay.

.....there

- Arms of Love, Katinas

10:33:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,
Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.
For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

- Grace- Laura Story

The Tree Tale

8:52:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I began this year at campus with one big question of life. My lecturer asked me to write an essay with the topic is : "Who am I". The first reaction, was like ... "umm.... well....... umm". I don't know why, but it's hard for me to answer that question. I broadened the question with Paul Gauguin's painting's title : "Where did we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?". I can actually say, umm, let's say..... I'm a girl... I'm Indonesian. I'm a designer. I'm a student. and I'm His child. But what makes me different than the other Indonesian, Christian, design student? What makes me different than the rest of my class? I know that God created each one of us unique, but sometimes it is hard to point it out by myself. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to describe...

The task was actually just a foundation for the first project, which was creating a personal logo. And we had to make 30 logo sketches in just one week, and when all of my friends started to make the logos, I was still finding the keywords. It took me 5 days to find the keywords and 2 hours to make 24 logos HAHA. I found 9 phrases and keywords that I think describe me the best, and the keywords that will help me visually to create the logos. "Distinctive", "Expressive", "Philosophical Standpoint". "Idealistic Principles". "Otherworldly". "Sentimental". "Paradoxical Contradictions". "Intuitive". and "Committed". I started with "Philosophical Standpoint", "Idealistic Principles" and somehow I got an idea for the visual : tree. Roots symbolize the standpoint, principles, that will help me to stand out and stand firm in the industry. Committed can be easily visualized in roots. Then for the "Paradoxical Contradictions", the trees grow taller, and deeper at the same time. I was pleased with the progress and I simply made it as my logo.

Not so long after that, I was approached to be a president of the organization I'm in. It was on Friday Night. Then the next day I had to meet my senior in high school, to have a meeting for our movie project. We came too early and it was kinda awkward and then I started the topic : "Which one do you prefer? To fly or to be rooted?". I actually have asked this kind of question to my friends since mid 2014. Flying means you go higher or far away to reach higher, greater, things. To be rooted means you grow deeper and commit to whatever you're into. I've always wanted, to fly, to be honest. To travel, to leave this country and never come back, to study abroad. I was jealous when I saw my friends doing greater things than what I did. Few days after that, after I've made my mind to actually fill the form, I asked God and I prayed : God, what do you want me to do? What do you want for the organization? I asked, and asked, then I remember the word : Rooted. I remember the conversation and I realized if I ever be the president, it means I have to be rooted. Then accidentally I found the verses that resonate that vision. And I made that as the whole vision for the organization. It's not that I put my life and being selfish and put it for the organization, it's just the task from my lecturer was just a reminder and simply reminds me about the whole vision for the organization.

The day I submitted my logo project was the day of the Open Presentation. My friends start to point out the similarity in both. Few days after that, I saw a Photo Booth at my campus with the tree as the background. My friends started to laugh. And I was thinking, "well, this is just a coincidence". The next day, I was interviewed by my authority and then I heard about a plan so far for the university from the university itself with the same symbol I had for the presentation: Tree. I was like............ "Oh my....."

I realized that it was more than just a coincidence. And actually the interview just a reminder for me as I began to reflect my whole life and I started to look back and all the dots started to connect together. I've never realized this before...... But if I look back, I remember that 2-3 times in my life, since I was in the elementary school, in psycho tests, or in the school retreat when they asked me to symbolize my life..... I drew a tree. Even though I had no reason to draw it. I had painted a tree on my bedroom wall. I even want to name my daughter "Kiara", which has two meanings, "Black", and "Tree". I started to open my sketchbooks and journals and you can see there's no sketchbook nor journal I have (and believe me, I have a lot......) without a picture of the tree in it. I just realized that I've always loved drawing tree, the branches, the roots, the leafs. Probably one thing I've enjoyed the most in my drawing class. I feel pretty when the sun which light my face, filtered by the tree's branches. Even one of the first memories I've had was the imagination as a child when I pictured my life like a movie outside the church near my house and I stood under the tree and the 'camera' started to zoom out and I saw myself from the sky. And I've always imagined that when I grow old, I will sit on the bench near the tree and see a sunset. I feel like everything started to collide hahahah but everything started to make sense.....

The realization hit me as I realized....... I'm the tree. I've always been the tree....... I never leave my city for 18 years of my life, and never once I live outside my country. Since kindergarten 'til the day I graduated high school, I studied in the same school, the school near my home. And even though I graduated two years ago, sometimes I still come back to serve.... as mentor, as tutor, as anything.....  I live in the same home, at the same street, since the day I was born. I've never had any other church since the day I became Christian. Design, media, christian things, and all the things are never new.... they've been in my life since forever. Since I was 9, I've always wanted to study design major, study in this university, and I knew youthcamp since I was 7 or 8. I'm the tree..... My mom planned to make me study abroad when I was 11, but God has another plan. I've tried to study abroad and leave this town, but God has another plan. I've tried (and I got) scholarship from another university, but once again, God has another plan........

I watch people around me as I observe and I always compare the story from the past, present, and the future. I'm always the one who remembers what most people forget. I never leave my ground as the people I love started to leave me for the same reason, they want to fly higher. As the men that came into my life has the same reason to leave.... For years my roots grow deeper and I do grow taller and now I start to see from higher views........

I'm the tree, I've always been the tree......

Is it just a coincidence?