Something 'bout tree. A quote.

2:44:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


"For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche.

In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfil themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree.

When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farm-boy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.

A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one's suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”

― Hermann Hesse, Bäume. Betrachtungen und Gedichte

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Sorry doesn't simply fix things

7:52:00 PM Valencia Ng 1 Comments



I'm the kind of girl who says sorry too much or not at all. But for the friends, maybe the first one suits me better. I always say sorry. I don't know if I really mean it. I think I do. I hope I do. But for saying sorry that much, I guess, sometimes ... I don't. 

Maybe I hope that sorry is a magic word that can make things all rainbow and sunshine. I remember when I was 2nd grade in elementary school I faked a bit tear and I cried for having 40/100 for the math test. And I said sorry to my mom. And she forgave me. And to be fair, I wonder if all those who hurt me in the past lined up and said sorry. I know I would forgave them, too. 

And maybe I've never realized it but I took sorry for granted, sometimes. Even worse, sometimes I'd rather not to say it at all. Especially to my closest ones. I'd keep it and suck it, and hope that they'd forget it. But they didn't, did they. They'd remember. But maybe they treasured the relation too much so they chose to stay. 

Recently someone said sorry to me. But the sorry kept spreading to the next questions. What does the sorry stand for? Does it real? Is it for ... this... for is it for everything? Can't you see that it doesn't fix things? And I remember I said these words: 

A 'sorry' without the solution or the resolution to be better is just an empty word.

I know fairly it isn't. Sometimes it only takes a bit sorry to heal things. But in this case, I don't think it is. What difference a sorry can make? It's just a word. A word against thousands actions.

And now these words coming back to me like two-edged sword. I made an awful mistake to someone. Really. Awful. And he's actually being kind about it. He kept saying it's okay. But it's not. I kept saying sorry for countless times. I kept telling him that it bothers me also. I kept telling him that I'd seek it and find it.

But once again, sorry doesn't simply fix things. 

It doesn't. Life is not the computer with the Ctrl+Z. Life is anything but it. He still needs the solution for the mess I've made. I still need to fix it. I still need to be responsible to him. And I still have to think until it's found. And no matter how I say or convince him, or even writing this, it simply doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

It actually makes me frustrated. Seriously I know I've tried. And I'm tired. But I can't just face it and say sorry. But I seriously have no idea what to do. Duh.

So while here me trying to fix things. I pray hard, to see a bit miracle.

Please.


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(Our) Coffee Shop

5:27:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


It once happened like that,
You brought me to the coffee shop near where you lived
We sat there for hours and hours til late and it was supposed to close
We walked outside, slowly, and my tummy felt weird
Not because of the caffeine that I consumed
But simply because of how you made me feel 

Then it used to be like that
We would sit there for hours, at the same corner
I would open my laptop and you would open yours
You would try to finish your task 
You would try your best not to be too distracted
As you couldn't resist not to talk with me 
But even if we sat in the silence, we both felt comfortable 
There was no gap to be filled, we respect each other's space
Back then we would talk about everything except that gap between us

Now it happens like this, 
I would sit on the same corner, I would order the same coffee
They never have to ask for my coffee nor my name again 
I will still open my laptop, and I will try my best not to be too distracted
As everytime I hear the barista spells a name like yours
I will sit straightly and I can feel my heart is pounding once again 
What a curse, as your name is a common name 
There must be thousands! 
But they weren't you. They aren't you. 
For you once left. And never come back again 
And I will sit here, once again, 
Everyday
With a slight hope
How I hope to see you open that door again!

So here I am. 
5.26 am. It's just a work of fiction inspired by hours that I spent doing my deadline once on a coffee shop nearby.


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The Unsent Letter

10:06:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


"The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming."
- Romans 8:18

To you, 
I try to wonder how the finish line will be like 
Right now, with the upcoming deadlines and all, 
It's harder than ever to imagine it that way
I imagine it will be a day with a light rain
You will attend on my graduation day 
I can finally say to you, "I've made it"

But now, it's hard to imagine it that way
As I called you in the middle of the night with shaky voice
Exhausted as I've been, sick as I am, being vulnerable and weak
Admitting silently that you're right. That you're always right. 
Too often I am too focused on my own track I forget about myself
Too often I am too focused and forget about you, too 

Sorry that my dreams may not align with yours
I'm not even ready to ask or to tell you that
I'm still trying to figure it all out
I know you'll always be annoyed with my choices
You never understand me the way they do 
You may never get it why I do what I do 
But in the end, when they all leave and forget me 
You'll always be the one who will stay
You'll always be the one who will pray
You'll always be the one whom I turn to

So I can't promise I can make you proud
But with all these tears and struggles, 
I simply want you to know.... in every step,
I'm doing this with thought of you
and I hope you know that

Love. 

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The Year of Wonderful Unknown

4:43:00 AM Valencia Ng 2 Comments


"Here we go, going in alone into the dark and wonderful unknown, let us go, let us go"
- Wonderful Unknown, Ingrid Michaelson

Every December for the last few years, I will start reflecting what God has been doing my life throughout the year and seeking for what He's going to do for the upcoming year. Last year made no difference. I had chickenpox at the end of November and I had extra 2 weeks to stay at home, doing nothing. That was the time when I got the chance to think and rethink everything.

I did not know why but somehow I got a blurry vision. For me at that time, 2016 seemed so blurry with every change I'd face and all. I couldn't explain it why. But all I knew, 2016 would be a leap of faith for me.

Then through the devotions and all. I was reminded over and over again of this sentence "I will be with you" from Isaiah 43. And somehow I got out of nowhere the Valley of Vision's prayer for new year:

"I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with Thee, O Father as my harbour,
Thee, O Son, at my helm,
Thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to Thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free."
- part of Praying for A New Year - Puritan Prayers

then later I got this prayer from Sir Francis Drake that inspired me so much:

"Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love."

Somehow, I got the vision and I used the words "Wonderful Unknown" based on Ingrid Michaelson's song title (the lyrics didn't mean a lot except a story about newly wed). I barely see anything for 2016.... all things seemed so unpredictable. But I know it will be wonderful. The only predictable thing is that I know my God is good.

I think God always has something interesting when it comes to sea. Whether to find disciples, walk on the water, part the sea, calm the storm, by faith to throw the mountains in the midst of it, put someone in the belly of the whale, cast our sins, or even to describe His love. It's just the wonder, the fascination, the mystery of it. As I'm facing the uncertainties and sailing to the unknown this year, I let Him be the captain.

So basically the vision is to embark and embrace the unknown journey with known God. So the emphasis will be TRUST, EXPLORE, and REVEAL all the way of this pilgrimage. So however it will end up, whether in the belly's whale, walk on the storm, calm the raging seas, cast our sins, or even part the sea.... I will be valiant enough to go on if I'm with Him.

And through these last 4 months, I can say it's more unpredictable than ever. So many experiences that have made me to trust God more than ever. My plan got mixed-up. I had to schedule and reschedule everything. I have to trust and surrender more than I thought it would be.

Then, for exploring.... I can say I have fun doing that wkwkwk. I start it from the simple things. This year, I start eating foods from places I've never been. Or reading the books from really different point of views. Or even watching movies genres I used to dislike. Try new experiences more than ever. Talk to people I've never talked before. And I start liking some people who were once strangers. For this point, maybe all I can say I'm grateful ;)

Frankly to say, there are so many uncertainties this year. I have classes without my usual classmates, which means I have to work with new team and to meet my juniors. I have to leave SFS and my organization life and start a new campus ministry I've never known before. I have to find internships much sooner just when I thought it would be in early 2017. I have to made myself clear about my Christian worldview in order to find new place to grow in new community. I also have these never-ending questions for God about whether should I stay, should I go. It became clear that I have this heart, whether it's for traditional one, or for youths, or for Christian media. At this point, I feel like I have to leave everything that I've known to sail to the unfamiliarity. It feels like going from Jakarta & high school to moved to university all over again. I have to adapt. And to be honest, leaving comfort zone is never easy. Fighting against flesh is also not easy for me. It's hard. It's uncertain. It's so much easier said than done.

Last year I had one-word-resolution, which was : "Love". And at first I thought this year would be all about Faith. But.... however, as this year unfolds, I also learn and re-learn about love. And hope. It's just never-ending process, I guess.

If you want to know more what this year is all about : Pinterest

Here's a playlist to accompany me throughout the year :

  1. Amanda Cook - Voyage
  2. Amanda Cook - Shepherd
  3. Josh Bates - Never give up on me
  4. Steffany Gretzinger - Steady heart
  5. Steffany Gretzinger - Getting there
  6. Delirious - History maker
  7. Hillsong worship - Here with you
  8. Hillsong United - Oceans
  9. Hillsong United - Captain
  10. Hillsong Y&F - Sinking deep 
  11. Jamie Grace - You lead
  12. Bethel Music - You make me brave 
  13. Bethel Music - God I look to You
  14. Bethel Music - It is well
  15. Bethel Music - In over my head
  16. JJ Heller - This year
  17. Casting Crowns - Follow me 
  18. Casting Crowns - Voice of truth
  19. Ginny Owens - No borders
  20. Ginny Owens - Deeper 
  21. Ginny Owens - I am Yours
  22. Selah - Be thou my vision
  23. MercyMe - You know better
  24. Moriah Peters - To leave it behind
  25. Jhene Aiko - Eternal Sunshine
  26. Joe Mendick & Kyle Selig - Sailing again 
  27. Yiruma - Lord, hold my hand
  28. For King & Country - Steady
  29. For King & Country - Shoulders
  30. Sidewalk Prophets - Homeless Heart
  31. Sidewalk Prophets - Help me find it
  32. William McDowell - I give myself away
  33. Ingrid Michaelson - Wonderful Unknown
  34. JPCC Worship - More than enough
  35. Sovereign Grace - Gladly would I leave behind me
  36. Aurora - Half the world away
  37. Ivan Handojo - Pada waktunya
  38. A Great Big World - You'll be okay
  39. Worshipmob - Dream again
  40. Hall & Oates - You make my dreams
So here's to the trust without borders, to the wonders of the adventure, to the stillness of soul through the storm, to the hope as the anchor, and grace that will sink me deeper. So here's to the steady voyage as a pilgrim.  So here we go. God has been faithful then. He will be faithful still. 











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Lessons Learned

1:29:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments



terbang,
terbanglah bersamaku dan belajarlah jatuh
bermimpi dan menarilah
selagi es krim stoberi itu masih tersisa di ujung bibirmu
nikmatilah hidup, sebelum hidup itu meleleh di sela - sela tanganmu
sebelum waktu memisahkan kita dari taman bermain yang bernama hidup ini

baca, 
bacalah dan resapilah
obrolan di sela pelajaran sekali tak apa 
duduk bersebelah, dua tahun bersama 
berbagi kisah dongeng yang diam - diam disuka 
karena sebelum dirimu beranjak dewasa dan sadar bahwa dongeng tak pernah ada
dan realita tidak seindah di cerita - cerita orang tua 

main, 
mainkanlah frisbee itu sejauh - jauhnya
bermain selagi kau bisa, 
beranilah untuk memulai, berani untuk mengakhiri
sebelum frisbee itu kembali dan menghantam duniamu keras
seperti kenyataan pahit yang kau tahu suatu saat akan menusukmu di sisi itu lagi. 

duduk
duduklah ketika ia menawarkan bangku
atau membawa bunga, 
atau ketika ia memberi pujian 
sebelum ia pergi jauh dan mengikuti panggilan hatinya
karena sekejap saja ksatria itu akan bertandang, sebelum ia hilang
hilang selama tahunan, tanpa kabar, tanpa kejelasan 

datang
dan temuilah dirinya di depan gereja ia menunggu
berpayung dan ia akan terus menunggu
datanglah di saat yang tepat, saat ia masih menyimpan rasa
karna apa artinya, datang di saat ia sudah tak lagi menunggu disana? 

dengar, 
dengarlah suaranya yang menyelinap di malam - malammu
atau suara musik yang mengalun sengaja 
sekali lagi perbedaan yang menghambat langkah 
maka sebatas sahabat sejauh itu saja 
berhentilah sebelum kau menunggu terlalu lama 
karna apa artinya, berharap sesuatu yang kau tahu tak akan bisa? 

diam, 
dan perhatikan saja dari jauh
sekali - kali ia tak akan pernah tahu
jika bertatapan saja membuatmu malu
diam, dan biarkan itu berlalu

pejamkan, 
pejamkan matamu saat ia mengenggam tanganmu 
dan menarik tanganmu keluar dari ketakutan yang menghantuimu
pejamkan matamu dan tak usah kau lihat 
ketika ia kembali kepada dirinya
pejamkan, kali ini pun tak akan lama 

tunggu, 
maka menunggu menjadi sesuatu yang biasa 
jika dari semula kau tahu perpisahan tak dapat dicegah 
tunggulah, walaupun ia takkan kembali
bersabarlah melewati hari - hari sepi

berhenti,
berhenti sejenak dan berefleksi
berhenti untuk tak mengulang lagi
beranilah untuk mengakhiri
berhenti ketika kamu tau itu kisah tak berujung
seperti kembang api di malam itu, ia pun akan pergi
.....

maka,
maka ketika kamu berhasil melewati semuanya
berhentilah sejenak
dan lepaskan
relakan
lupakan.

lalu usai masa itu terlewati
belajar untuk memahami
belajar mensyukuri
belajar menerima sepenuh hati
belajar untuk terus memperbaiki diri
belajar untuk bangkit kembali

Dan memulai lagi. 

(Dedicated to my 11.11 :) 11.04.2016) 

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And this is now.

7:52:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments



Standing at the water's edge
I dropped my dreams when I dropped my nets
No hesitation, no regrets
I followed You
But that was then
And this is now

You washed my feet and You changed my name
I swore I'd never be the same
But just like the tides, I guess people change
Cause that was then
And this is now

I wish I could go back but I don't know how
I remember when I stood my ground
I swore I'd never let You down
I want to be that man again
But that was then
And this is now

I watched the blind man lift his head
And look his Savior in the eyes
I heard a dead man take a breath
Dropped to my knees as I watched him rise
And I felt the sea beneath my feet
As I stepped out on the angry waves
But You saw the storm raging within
You reached out and calmed me then
But this is now

Just when I thought my sin has closed the door
I see my Savior standing on the shore
With arms wide open
Just like the first time You called my name
You said that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
When you couldn't come to me, my love came down
So take My hand, I'll lead you out
Cause that was then
And this is now

My child, I bore your cross, I wore your crown
You couldn't come to me so my love came down
Take my hand, I'll lead you out
You'll never be that man again
Cause that was then
And this is now
- This is now, Casting Crowns

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The Plan B

1:32:00 AM Valencia Ng 4 Comments



It was a nice afternoon.
The sun lit beautifully from the huge windows. We sat on the swing set and on the table where there was a small hill made of mixed-shaved ice. It was cozy, lazy afternoon but it was nice.

We were just talking and chit-chatting. About how things will end up, how it will start the next semester, talking about my internship this summer, and also about her internship. We were talking about the probabilities and all. I told her about my struggles to pick my ministry, my job, my future, and all. So many things to consider. I told her that I was the one who always thinks too far. Who always expects too much. But always prepares the worst.

Then she asked me this question :
" Are you the type of person who prepares for the Plan B?" 

I think for a few seconds before this answer popped out of my mouth.
"Well, what I can say, UPH was my plan B, after all....."

I stopped for a while, she waited for me, then I continued,
"But it turned out to be the best plan B I've ever had...."

It was. It is. I can't believe that it's almost at the end of my journey here in this campus. I was freaked out earlier today to find that my friend's brother is going to university this year when he just went to high school as we stepped into our university's life. Time just flies.

But in the last three years, after all those memorable and meaningful years, I've realized that what I thought was a plan B, or plan C, or even plan Z was actually a plan A all along. God never made mistake where He put you, or where He put me. There must be a reason....

Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to go to UPH since I was a kid. But during the summer before high school, when I was faced with so many goodbyes and my friends flew overseas to continue their study.....I wanted to go there too. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to study overseas. I tried and tried and tried. And I put down my plan to UPH and made it as a backup plan. But now I'm  here. And I can't think any better university that I'd attend. If I went to study overseas or ended up in another university, I'd never encounter God the way that I've been here in this campus. I wouldn't meet some of my closest friends today. I wouldn't meet some inspiring lecturers or even some of the classes that will change the way I think forever. My life would be interesting, but in so much different way.

This isn't a paid promotion or an endorsement from my campus. It's not. It's a reminder for me as I now make so many plans in my life for my internship, study-plan before graduation, counting and re-counting the possibility, try to apply to serve and all.... that it wasn't my plan after all. That God's plan is so much better. That my Plan-B might be a Plan A at the end. I might be a planner, the type of person who calculates and recalculates her life with pie-charts, to-do-list, random excels, journal-writing, and all. But God knows best. He has been a Father for a long time. What kind of father who doesn't prepare the best for his daughter?

This year as I hold on to the vision of the "Wonderful Unknown", I've learned that I still have so much to learn. I have seen that I can only trust the unseen with Creator who made it all. Who am I, nothing, actually. Last month I've been reminded that I, the unplanned one turned out to be the plan after all. This time, about the second, backup plan, actually a better plan the ones that I've made. I know God made no mistake.  I gotta hold on to that faith. And I know this year will be wonderful. It won't be easy. It will challenging. But it will be wonderful.

I know that. 

So give me another alphabet, I'm ready for another the plan Bs.

Surprise me, Lord.

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One Hundred Thirty Nine

11:45:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments


One month after what I can say, the loneliest birthday ever. 
Ever. 

CN had tried to remind me once that the 21 will be ordinary. It will be like just another day in your life. Though you can be officially referred as an "adult", and it is supposed to an 'accomplishment', don't you think? But it didn't. No celebrations, whatsoever. As my holiday and celebrations now only means an extra sleep instead of special days. 

Why I can say it's the loneliest not because I don't have those whom I love. I have. But as I began to get closer to that day, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness started to grow and grow until I couldn't help it anymore. Even in the most crowded place, and the noises around me I felt alone and empty and numb. 

At that time I was longing for me-time. It had been hectic for weeks and usually my quiet time also got in a rush. So I tried to celebrate my birthday the different way. I tried to celebrate it with My Maker. After the preparation for the next day's Valentine celebration I walked alone to the soccer field. I sat under the huge writings on the tribune, "I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith, I have finished the race" based on 2 Timothy 4:7. I sat alone and I looked to the sky. 

"Okay, Lord, what's next....?"

Last year on my 20th birthday I got Psalm 71 and this year, somehow I was reminded by Psalm 139, which I can say, my favorite chapter throughout the bible. I knew this verse for the first time in morning devotion time during the retreat I attended when I was twelve. I've loved it ever since. I know what's inside that chapter. But somehow, that day, the chapter snapped me. 

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.(You know me better than best friends, than him, than my parents. You know even the most wicked, disgusting things deep inside my heart.) 
You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.(You are familiar with all my ways. You know my choices, my crazy dreams, even now when I see my future and I barely see anything. You are familiar with all the roads which I'm going take. Even the memories that I don't even remember, You know each of it) 
Before a word is on my tongue. You, Lord, know it completely.You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.(Too many times I asked you "Why". Especially when I woke up in the middle of the night, crying. Too many times I have a hard time believing that You know best. But You do know the best, don't You...) 
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

(Even when I was so desperate to hide from the others, I can't hide from You. You know my tendency to rebel. You know my tendency to run and hide from Your calling. Over and over again I tried to run away from Your presence. And I'm tired of running away from You. Will You let me to run to You?) 
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.(I was born unplanned by my parents. But You've planned me. You carefully designed me. What color of her eyes will be? What color of her hair? I was never unplanned).  
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with You.(You know my insecurities. You know whom I will marry. You know how my children will look like. You know my days. I trust You. I have to trust You. )

I felt the tears blurred my vision as I read that chapter. It's funny and heart-wrenching at the same time to imagine that God has been there all along. He was there when I was born as a baby - naked, crying, and cold. He was there when I was learning to walk, or talk, or tie my shoes properly. He was there when I was crying over my heartbreak. He was there through the fights, tears, insecurities. He's been a Father for a really long time

I grew up believing I was unplanned. I know my parents always tell me the otherwise. But I simply couldn't help it. I believed that I was unwanted. I tried to define my worth based on achievements that I could made. Whether it's to be the top of the class, to be as busy as hell with my organizations and stuffs, whether it's number of the ticked bucket lists and resolutions that I've made. I may seem like the one who holds it together. I'm not. I'm a real person with real struggles and insecurities like that. But over the years He taught me that I wasn't a coincidence. And on my 21st birthday, He reminded it all over again. 

I wasn't a coincidence. He has planned me all along. He has been there, why He won't be there after this? He will. He knows what step He has prepared for me after this. After SFS and all. Why A Creator of the universe ever wanted someone like me, I will never know. But I know that He loves me. I can't never run from that stubborn love. Though I'm feeling lonely, I know I'm not that alone. Though I'm feeling empty, I know He's in me. Faith over feelings. 

And probably that night was the best gift I could ever had for my birthday. No celebrations, whatsoever, just one simple hour with My Maker. 




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I don't want to write about you

1:44:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments



I don't want to write about you,
I know I have a lot of better things to do
Homework, perhaps, or read a book or two
I have to remind myself I have next week's due
Instead making these silly, cheesy rhymes that I overdo

I don't want to write about you,
I don't want to make stranger a muse
But all of these things make me bemused
Is it normal to be this confused?

I don't want to write about you
What to write, when I barely have a clue
What kind of girl are you into?
What dream you currently pursue?
Do you like black or blue?
What's the color of your favorite shoe?
I can only mention a few
See, not so much that I knew

I don't want to write about you
It will be too complicated to follow through
To write means to perpetually value
Maybe I am not ready to
I just want to make it as it is now : simple and true

I don't want to write about you,
Nor do I want to feel this way, but I do
I do, at the end, you know I do





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Little Souls

12:01:00 AM Valencia Ng 0 Comments



To you, to my favorite 8-year-old-soul whom I've once loved,
I guess it's a bit mistake for me to write about you. Hahahaha.
Especially at times like this.
But I want to. And maybe, maybe.... I need to.
You see, you are forever in my life.
I've known you for ages, and at the same time I don't know you at all
You were the first of everything and this time I gotta be honest,
Everytime I get the chance to see you, which a privilege I don't get really often,
I try always to "grab" the idea of me in you,
trying to find the happier, better version of me that maybe I can find in you
Deep, deep, down inside of you
You knew me before reality hit me hard to the ground
We always grow together, though we grow separately, and sadly, grow apart...
But I can see myself getting old as you're getting old
I can see myself in you
I can see that I'm leaving that little girl behind
As you also grow up and became someone that's quite stranger to me now
If I can talk to you honestly, I want to ask this question
If you see me now, do you see her?
That happy, carefree girl who loved everything she touched?
Or do you see someone who tries so hard to behave,
behind the make up and the fake smile on her face,
who will walk and talk the way people expect her to,
Who would never run again with you against the wind?
Who would never giggle but politely smile back at you?
Do you remember that little girl?
If you read this, which I doubt you do,
I hope you know I see you now and I'm proud
You've all grown up, and grow up pretty well
I wish I could be like that, too
But, what I wish the most will be ...
When you see me, and when I see myself in you,
I hope we can still see that little girl alive in me
Most of all, I hope I can make her proud.

Love,
Your-8-year-old-crush
.
"8 years old, we're told
You're too young to unlearn how to smile and hate the world
8 years from now on
You'll forget the art of carefreeness and little girls
So 6 young heart kick start and venture
Into a labyrinth of question marks
Mischevous, wide eyed
We had nothing to hide, our smiles were bonafide

We dreamed of super powers, meteor showers
Climbing towers, magic mermaids, flying ships and finding home
In our unlocked golden coffer all we had was love to offer
A currency that once was just enough
Guess we grew up

These day we cease to give a frail and feeble
Damn, we've got new better plans
Crystal clear, each year
Since June of 2010, we've grown cavalier and bland
We used to dance in rainstorms
Fight our battles, win the whole war
We spoke in flames and held hands while we burned
Now all we ever do is vomit apathy
We mop it with apologies, “I’m sorry”s
I worry... I worry we grew up

Things have changed and minds have aged
We're so far in this unfeasible maze
When did black and white decide to propagate
'Cause everything now seems so…. grey
We've forgotten the beats of our own drums
We've lost touch of tunes we used to hum
We smell of sin and no longer bubblegum
Our season is yet to come

Were houses with water stained walls
We're standing but no longer tall
When did we stop having a ball
I don't recall, I don't recall

Here we are, so far
We've walked a lonely road
We're like nomads finding home
But somewhere far inside the 8 year old resides
Whispering you'll be alright
So let us live, let live
Forgive and hope we don't
Fail the souls we used to know
Let's walk each other home
Little souls please don't let go
This unknown is ours to roam
Our little souls will walk us home"
- Nicole Zefanya, Little Souls.

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Worth The Wait

9:14:00 PM Valencia Ng 4 Comments


It feels weird to write again.
Moreover, it feels weird to write about you again 
I promised myself not to write to you nor about you again.
But, you see, here's the bigger picture..

Recently, I had a dream
In my dream we were preparing ourselves for a journey
Journey, huh? That one word that you used to love
But actually it was like a trip with our closest friends to faraway cities
And somehow the plan was I would go with you to the destination
With you, my fellow traveler..
We agreed to meet at the set time
You'd pick me up at my home at noon
Our friends already went there before us 
I told them that I'd arrive later, with you, of course
However, at the set time, I wasn't ready
I was in such a hurry,
I didn't prepare myself the night before
I put my clothes and my stuffs randomly to my bag
Because simply I couldn't wait to go with you
Because I thought you'd arrive to my home at that set time
At the time I asked you to
But. 
You.
Didn't. 
Come. 
I waited and waited and waited
I started to sweat nervously 
I moved and circled around the room
I began to go upstairs and I waited there
Seconds turned to minutes that turned to hours
They began to tell me that you wouldn't come, anyway
But, well, I don't know why, in my dream I did not lose hope
Even though the fact told me the otherwise, 
there's a tiny part in me that still believed you'd come
Instead of giving up, I started to unpack my belongings 
All the things that were not meant for the journey
I started to leave it all behind 
I began to put all the things, and I repacked everything
I even changed the outfits that I wore
I tried to seek the more decent dress 
I could say it was the best dress that I've ever had
I made myself ready 
And... just when I started to put on that dress
The people in my home shouted your name from downstairs
You came......... eventually. 
And it was worth the wait 
.
I didn't get the chance to see your face in that dream when I finally woke up
I asked God why it's your name all over again, when I know I finally let you go
Why it's the same name that's been haunting me for years
Is it true that I'll end up with you, or probably the one with the same name,
or probably someone whom I haven't met yet
You see, I dream a lot in my sleep, but usually I don't remember any of it
But when I woke up that day, the dream lingered on
It reminded me of us, to be honest, the years that spent on waiting
Waiting for you to come home while you were on your own journey
The thing is, I was so young at that time,
And like that dream, I was still unprepared
What's the point if you came earlier? I wasn't ready anyway...
We might end up bringing the belongings that are not meant for the journey
I might end up not giving and presenting my very best
The reason that it was your name that showed up,
I can't say if it's going to be you.... it might be someone else
All I can say is now I can clearly see why you came to my life
Waiting for you taught me and prepared me to wait for something bigger
Which is... waiting for God.... to be the church ready as His bride
Waiting for God also means to wait for Him to reveal His plan in my life
Step by step, one by one, all of it, including you
However, during that time, the best thing to do is to prepare the very best
Doing things that I've been doing for awhile now
Prepare the land, as if it's going to rain even in the drought
There are things I've been praying for, I'm struggling with,
All the things that made me forget about you at the first place
All the calling, all the missions, all the paths have yet to come
It takes a little patience, it takes a lot of faith
When it's the time, it will not be too early nor too late
From that dream, I knew... I just knew that you'll show up eventually
You will. I'm sure of that. Even if it's not 'you' that I wanted
But you will.
You will be the best friend and the best fellow traveler ever
To travel with me as two pilgrims in this life.
It's going to be amazing. It's going to be exciting.
It's not going to be easy.....
But it's going to be worth all the waiting :)





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