The Reason

6:51:00 PM Valencia Ng 0 Comments

I just took my very first pregnancy test yesterday.

I looked at the doctor with disbelief.
"Do I really have to do this? Because I can assur..".
"Yes. We have to be sure on the paper that you're not pregnant".

I see his scribbling on the paper that I had to take to the lab. "Amenorrhea". Great. Another disease which I can't pronounce easily..... It's only a month since I found a thick blood on my hand after a cough....... what I found out few days later as a bronchitis. I spent weeks wearing masks wherever I go. Now I have another disease?

As I took the urine sample I thought to myself .......
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse than this."
But to be honest, things actually could get worse.......

As the doctor didn't give me clear answer, it means I have to make another appointments with another doctor in bigger hospital .... all by myself. Since I can be sure for 100% I am not pregnant there must be something wrong in my body that causes it stopping its natural cycle. Maybe a cyst. Maybe something wrong in my hypothalamus. Maybe because of my obesity. Maybe an infertility. Maybe because I'm too stressed out and depressed. There will be another tests. There will be a lot of "I told you so"s and there will be a lot of time and energy wasted for this thing. Not only the causes are terrifying but the results too.....

And for once, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I don't know since when I made eating as my escape. Has it always been this way? I don't remember since when I am angry whenever mom brings up the topic, which usually makes me want to eat more. I don't remember since when ...... but it's getting worse and worse. My cousin shook her head and asked me, "If you know it's bad for you, why are you still doing it?"

I know right...... 

From every failed attempt and every yoyo result I ended up giving up a long time ago. From every night when I couldn't sleep I have to eat a comfort food to temporarily cure it. From every abusive words, I ate even more. From a stare that I can't forget when saying "Of course I don't like you". You. For years I craved for someone to "I like you just as you are". But I do not love me just as I am. Why do I keep expecting other people to do it?

I know things could actually get worse but ...... things could get better also.

As I tie my running shoes I keep convincing myself, "I don't have to like this. I just have to do it". And as I see people try to fit the bikini suit....... I'm doing this to stay alive. Fighting against flesh has never been this hard for me to be honest. And I still don't know how to do this because this is not only a physical matter but also my mental.

Someone once told me that we shouldn't test God for the health He has given us with. And another saying that says... everything, including physical is a way to worship God. Now, at my rock bottom in my relationship with everything, I ask myself, "Is it too late? Will I get through this? Will I survive to live years later?". I try.... and it's really hard not to rely on my own understanding for my own thoughts aren't my best friends right now.
I realize I can't do this alone......

I'm writing this not to get any attention but as a reminder everytime I want to give up. As a reminder maybe one day the reason to started it all.